When we aspire to overcome our painful patterns, we tend to look into the past for answers. At times, the past can be a source of discovery, solutions, and even, a tool for preventing future suffering. But the internal battle we find ourselves trapped in, time and time again, is really a desperate yearn for our needs to be met, our behaviors to change, and our thoughts to be alleviated.

What’s this internal battle I’m referring to?

It’s our psychological and behavioral patterns. Our patterned thoughts and actions. We all have them. Both good and bad.

And when we become aware of our painful patterns, an awareness builds. Shortly after this realization, we convince ourselves that we have a problem and seek therapy, guidance, or counseling, which is a sure sign that something within needs attending to.

Yet for the majority of us, the internal conflict ( painful patterns) continues to surface in our day to day lives, and we think something is severely wrong with us.

In addition to this internal conflict, the external becomes additional weight. We look for things outside of us that soothe, bring instant gratification, and short-lived happiness.

But time and time again, we hit a wall. We get fed up yet fall back into the cycle of pain.

And the thoughts we carry about our fuck ups, failures, problems and issues…

Those ruminating thoughts result in us feeling deflated, unworthy, anxious, depressed, unlovable, and hopeless.

Spinning in such thoughts, we rarely find progress. We feel stuck, trapped in feelings of sadness, anger and frustration with no end point. The excessive emotional battles and external pacifiers do more harm than good.

YET, the reason for this cycle is because we’ve allowed our past events and self- labeling to BECOME a part of who we are TODAY.

“I’m unlovable”

“I won’t be as happy as her.”

“I’ll always be depressed.”

“My childhood fucked me up.”

You hold on because you don’t know any other way. You hold on tight because this is who you think you are and anything outside of it would feel different, uncomfortable, and unmanageable with the amount of pain you’re going through.

And I know at certain points, you feel swallowed by it.

It’s a self-fulfilling cycle.

But, there’s a way out…

If we aspire to rid ourselves of pain, we must allow change to happen. We have to consciously tell ourselves, in the midst of our internal suffering, that it’s time to move towards change. This is how we begin to separate ourselves from the internal forces of our thoughts and emotions and begin to live fully in our present body’s.

When we are present, we cultivate ways to detach from our intense emotions rather than being controlled by them.

When you live in the past or an identity label, ( e.g. “I’m unlovable”),  you unconsciously associate those strong feelings to your current circumstances and assume it will always be a part of you.

You project you past self onto who you are today.

The more you dig, the more you will find.

So why not put down the shovel?

Imagine letting go of the past. Imagine letting go of the painful identity you’ve been attached to for so long? Imagine learning to forgive instead of holding on. What happens then?

We transform into beautiful, strong, and powerful beings because we’re no longer driven by our past behaviors or distorted stories. We are no longer driven by our insecure thoughts. And it’s not about removing those insecure thoughts, but rather,  learning to coexist with them. It’s about reshaping, growing, and progressing into the beautiful being you were meant to be the moment you were born.

And that’s when we begin to reshape who we are, which can be scary, shattering, but also incredibly healing too and powerful too.

And by shedding light on your thoughts and pattens, that’s when you truly become free of your own mental hell and eventually break the cycle.

When we face our demons head on and learn to unconditionally love ourselves, we begin to unravel who we REALLY are away from our hurtful past.

And when we are longer be driven by our pain, we start to wake up to the true nature of who we really are.

But in order to get to this place, you MUST shine light on the thoughts that are causing your own suffering.

So give your pain a name and love it. Hug it. Embrace it. Because this pain was needed at some point in your life. It was there to protect you from hurt or offer comfort at a particular time in your life. But whatever may have happened during your youth or past, is outside you now.

Your past self is no longer needed in this very moment.

And It’s scary, I know.

But letting go of the past and GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION to heal is the biggest gift you can ever give yourself. Because life begins to open up for you. You begin to see the sun shining. You start connecting with people in ways you never thought was ever possible. You start shifting your focus on what makes you happy, rather than what brings you pain. You become selective about the people you allow into your life because you take care of your needs first.

Because you do what you can to fill yourself up with love, joy, and acceptance every day. And when the bad DOES come, you ride it. You ride it because you’ve been to the darkest corners of your mind. You own it. You cry. You soothe. You love it. Because this is who you are, and you wouldn’t change it for the world because this is what brought you to the other side. It’s your darkness that gave you light.

It’s your darkness that gave you another chance to live again.

About the Author

Sarah Vasquez is a life coach to millennials and the founder of www.coachsarahvasquez.com, a company devoted to empowering 20 and 30-somethings around the world to find their purpose, discover their gifts, and unlock their fullest potential so that they can live authentically. Sarah's mission is to help her clients build confidence and self-esteem so that they can overcome their own self-limiting beliefs.. Sarah earned her B.A. in psychology at CSULB and is a huge advocate for personal development. "The answers you seek are within you." - Sarah